Monday, February 27, 2006

Settling In

Just a quick note. The move went really well. Paying movers to move all of our furniture was one of the best decisions we made!! It was well worth the money in the time, stress and "volunteer" man power it saved us. I highly recommend it to anyone moving from anything bigger than a 2brm apartment!

The kids settled in fine, and were able to find space to play in between boxes and misplaced furniture. They have even gone to bed without a fuss, which I was a little worried about since they are now sharing a room.

I even went for a walk with Holly around the reservoir, and it was beautiful, even though the wind was freezing cold. I am looking forward to the summer, to see how it looks with leaves on the trees. The kids are going to love playing in there, as well as the stream that feeds it. (I know, I promise to teach them water safety, and will be with them at all times until they know how to swim).

The next stage of our moving in process is to paint the living room so that we can move our furniture up there. Then we will work our way through the house, painting each bedroom, shifting furniture and beds room to room as we go.

I think we will be hosting a house-warming barbecue this summer (probably the last week in June) so that all of our friends can come to see it.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


When did it start? I tried to remember as I lay in the dark. I don't even know. I have always had memories of lying awake in the dark while the rest of the house sleeps, trying to shut down my mind, make it stop running in circles. Even as young as 8 or 9. I actually didn't realize until now that it started so young.

I never know, going into a night if it is going to be a good (solid sleep to the morning), ok (wake up to use the bathroom), or bad (sleepless for an hour and a half or more). I also don't know what triggers it. It is especially bad when there is a stress in my life, I have it two or three times a week. It is worse when I am pregnant. Then I am guaranteed one night a week throughout the third trimester. If I'm not stressed, it is random-- once a month, maybe twice.

It starts with me waking up to use the bathroom or to tend to a child. Tonight it was N at 1:30, crying out "Bup! Bup! Mommy, bup!"(cup). I went downstairs, filled his cup, used the bathroom, checked on E, and then returned to bed. Usually I can fall back to sleep, but when insomnia hits I can't settle. So I start thinking. Sometimes it is about what needs to be done the next day (in tonight's case, the next 3 days). I will work and rework my schedules, timelines, and plans of action. Sometimes a memory is triggered of a past event and I lie there analyzing it, imagining how it could have gone differently, cringing in embarrassment as I think of my real actions, working myself into mental distress over something that can't be changed. This is when I relive the worst of my highschool, and first year of teaching moments. Both periods of times when I made my worst mistakes, and have the greatest regrets. The thoughts run in my mind like a hamster on wheel, never getting anywhere, never resolving themselves, because how can I resolve the past or the future?

I shift positions for about an hour, restlessly trying to find a comfortable spot, yet not wanting to wake Ed. I lie on my side, until I feel my arm getting numb, so I shift to my back. I lie there trying to force myself not to move another muscle, not rustle the sheets or shift positions. But finally I can't resist the urge to tuck my arms under my pillow and curl up on my other side. Then I realize that my mouth is making too much saliva and I can't stop swallowing. The more I think about it, the more I want to swallow and the drier my mouth gets. So I get up to get a drink. Sometimes at this point I discover I need to use the bathroom again, so I take care of all my fluid issues, and come back to bed.

Now, on a "good" night of insomnia I will eventually drift off to sleep at this point after mentally exhausting myself. But on a "bad" night I will eventually just go downstairs so that I don't disturb Ed's sleep anymore. I turn on the tv and get sucked into infomercials and QVC. I have been known to order several things that I "just had to to have!" in these middle of the night viewings. I think that advertisers know that you are more vulnerable to their products when you are sleep deprived. Sometimes I will have a bowl of cereal, my body being tricked into thinking it is breakfast time. I have also scrapbooked, done laundry, washed the dishes, written in my journal (actually most of my journal entries from the past 6 years were done at 2 or 3 in the morning), and of course, checked my email.

The only thing is, I am genuinely tired. My mind is sluggish and my body needs rest, so when I do these things I am not performing at the top of my game. It is hard to know when to go back to bed because there is now a fear of not being able to sleep, yet there is also that other fear that with each passing minute I am making withdrawals on my energy reserves for the next day. I know that when morning comes I will be exhausted. I will have to pry my eyes open and force myself to get out of bed and stagger through my morning routine, hoping to catch a nap at some point in the afternoon (but not too late or long that I am not tired for bed the next night). So when that second fear overwhelms the first, I make my way back to my bed and I lie very still, trying not to swallow, think, or move. And just sleep.

We're on our way

Ok everyone, this is it. My last entry before we move. Ed is breaking down the computer tonight and taking it over to the new place tomorrow. He is also taking off tomorrow to help me pack. Then tomorrow night I will go over to the house with some friends to set up the kitchen. Friday the movers come at 9 am. I will be taking the kids to my mother-in-law's house where they will stay until the next day. After the movers finish on Friday Ed and I will unpack, clean, and try to set up the house as best as we can. Saturday morning we will move the rest of the boxes over. And we will be in!! So until then, I will be in "computer silence".

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

thoughts on moving

Tuesday, 21 February 2006

Moving is a funny thing. It forces you to sift through stuff that has been buried or lost for years. I find myself getting nostalgic and weepy at the littlest thing. Yesterday I was cleaning out the changing table cabinet and found a folder that we took home from the hospital when E was in for RSV. There was a get-well card inside from Grayson. It had a picture of him sitting on their futon with their cat Peter. It was taken just a month before they moved. I haven't looked at it since tucking it away, while in the hospital. It made me miss them all over again in a fresh way. Kind of like how an ache in your joints reminds you of an old injury. I guess that I always feel this way this time of the year (the anniversary of the McCoy's move). But since we are moving ourselves, it hurt in a different, more achy way. I feel like we are finally closing that chapter of our lives. I am leaving the space where Grayson and E used to play, where they spent much of their baby and toddler years together. These walls hold those memories and in saying good-bye to them, I am saying good-bye all over again to the lives we shared with our friends, within these walls.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


We are moving in 8 days. 8. My house is mostly not packed. I mean, the closets and rooms are cleaned out of unecessary junk, but it does not look like we are out of here in a week. So how am I spending my time? Sitting here checking out everyone's xanga site, eating my valentine chocolate and playing spider solitaire online. Sigh. I can't seem to get motivated to pack, and for some reason am acting like the clothes, toys, and dishes will somehow pack themselves between now and next Friday.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine Love

The other day E and I were preparing valentine cards for her class and friends. She pointed to a picture of Hello Kitty dressed like a cupid.

"Mommy, what's that?"

"It's called a cupid. On Valentine's Day people pretend that cupid shoots people with arrows so that they will love each other." I know, not the best explanation, but it was what I came up with when put on the spot.

E continued working on the valentines as she thought this over. A minute later she said, "Well, good thing I don't need that."

I was curious - did she really understand what cupid was? So I just asked, "What do you mean?"

E then said matter-of-factly, "Cause, you know, I have Grayson."

Valentine's Day 2003

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Snow Day

I think we got a foot of snow!!

Our backyard version of the luge.



Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Tuesday Mornings

Tuesday mornings are a definite bright spot in my week. It is a time to get together with some other mom-friends. We gather at each others houses where we eat baked goods, drink coffee, our children play together, and we get some much-needed adult conversation. It is a great time to catch up on each others lives in a relaxed setting (even with 6-8 children 2 and under!). My weekly playgroup has been a constant in my life since E was one. Although the faces change as people move in and out, there is a stability that comes from this regular fellowship with other moms.