It is amazing how time has just slipped by me the past month. K is 5 weeks old, and I haven't had time to make any entries. I find that I barely have enough time and energy to make it through each day, and so I have been unable to blog.
K has proved to be a more demanding baby than my other two-- if she is awake, she wants to be held, otherwise she will cry endlessly. This kind of makes it hard to get things done, as I have to choose between holding her, either in my arms or a baby carrier, and listening to her heart breaking cries while I do what needs to be done. Sometimes it is unavoidable, like when I am getting the older children ready in the morning, or making dinner, or getting the house ready for visitors. But after these crying bouts, I find myself edgy and exhausted emotionally. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do what I am normally able to complete. I know it is just for this short time, when she is little, but it is still frusterating to have a dirty house, or to have a "to do" list of which I never see the end. I feel like I can't be a good mother, wife, housekeeper, and friend. I find myself having to choose which I will be that day. But that's the hard stuff.
The good stuff? Seeing how E and N put their own desires aside when I am nursing or taking care of K. They understand that I can't help them, and they will usually wait patiently until I can. Also, with all the time I have spent holding K, I really get a chance to drink in her infancy. The way she stares at me with her beautiful blue eyes (yes, blue!!), her indescribably soft hair, cheeks, ears, just the smallness of her body in my arms. So while I am not wishing these moments away, I am looking forward to when she is more mature, and able to sit on her own for 15 minutes in a swing or bouncy chair.
I believe that my time is up--the kids are stirring from their naps, K is calling for me, and E just got home from school.