A couple of hours ago I woke up, unable to sleep, with thoughts churning about so many different things, and I decided to finally write about it, as that sometimes helps.
I know I have neglected this blog all summer. Although we have been doing many things that I would document with pictures and think- "Oh, I should blog about this", or I had thoughts about my kids that I considered blogging about, I kind of just...didn't. It may have something to do with me being a little bit lazy, but I think it has more to do with me right now.
I have been feeling almost frozen, like I don't have the motivation to do anything. I go through each day kind of feeling overwhelmed. And it isn't like I am doing much or have an extra load of responsibility. I have actually turned down several opportunities to serve this year, because I just don't feel up to it. And the one thing I have committed to (writing questions for Woman's Bible Study) I haven't been able to bring myself to sit down and do. And my questions are due next month for my first lesson. And it is scaring me to death. Yet I still procrastinate.
I am also feeling very tender right now, with emotions close to the surface, and a ball of tension inside my chest. Each day, some more than others, I feel like I am carrying this weight in me, a sadness that I can't shake. On the outside I seem to be doing well, as I interact with my kids, smile, laugh, and have true moments of joy. Yet it sometimes feels likes such an effort, and I wonder how long it will take me to shake this. There are several changes happening socially this fall- and I am finding those especially hard to deal with. Change is not a good thing right now, it is not my friend.
And all of this can probably be traced back to the Big Change in our family this past spring. Grief is this life-sucking force that is kind of taking me by surprise. I knew I would be sad at times, but I just didn't know that it would be like this. I feel like the seed for grief was planted when we lost Dad, but now the roots are making their way deep inside me, and the loss is just becoming a part of who I am. I know it is something I will have to work through, and even let myself experience. It is a painful process that kind of reminds me of one of my kids' favorite books We're Going On a Bear Hunt. As the family in the story encounters several obstacles, they chant "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, Oh No! We have to go through it!" And that is what I have to do. I have to just go through it. As each challenge stands in my way, I need to cling to Jesus and face it. Let myself feel sad, overwhelmed, angry, but also remind myself that there is Someone walking beside me through it all. I am thankful for that comfort, but also the comfort of my friends as they have encouraged me in big ways and little. Friends who have called, written notes, sent emails, just to let me know that they continue to pray for me. Even though I haven't revealed all that is on my mind to any one person, I have given pieces of my story to different people, and it has been helpful to be able to process with someone else. So if you are one of those friends, thank-you. The road is easier when there are others who choose to walk it with you.