Friday, September 11, 2009
The whole summer has been a count down of sorts as we looked towards the new school year, and N starting kindergarten. Well, at least for me. I found myself giving him extra squeezes and hugs, telling him how much I loved him, how he was getting to be such a big boy, even pulling him into my lap- because I still could.
When I sent E off to kindergarten, I was excited even as I marveled at how big she had become. For N I find myself blinking back tears as he starts on this next phase of his life. Maybe because it is that phrase about a daughter being a daughter forever, and a son is a son until he gets married. I know he is not getting married, but this is the first step of separation. He will now have his own separate life at school- his own little joys and disappointments, interactions, friends- that I will not be a part of unless he lets me in. I won't know what he is doing, and I won't be there to help him if he needs it. As I packed his lunch this morning, I fretted over if I had packed too much or too little, if he would be able to eat a peach on his own or should I cut it up (I cut it up), if he would remember his water bottle from his back pack or would he be thirsty? I even "walked" him through his lunchbox, showing him what I packed, what he should save for snack, the little wipe I had put in for him to wipe his hands before he ate. When he came home this afternoon, I found that only 1/4 of his lunch had been eaten (a couple of crackers and a treat from Aunt Cara) because he said they didn't have enough time. I think we will have to practice eating quickly this weekend!
I just look at him, and think of how little he is, how vulnerable and innocent. I know he will lose some of that innocence this year. I know it is a part of growing up, but as his mom, it is hard to not want to protect him. I just need to be in prayer for his heart, that he will do the right thing, that he will be teachable, and that he will continue to grow in his faith as he sees his need for Jesus ever more clearly in each of these steps of his life. And I have to cling to my faith too- not to be fearful as I let go, but to trust that the Lord loves my little boy so much more than I do. And the same truth that I comforted N with before he left for school, is the same truth that comforts me- even though I can't be with him at school, Jesus is there, right by his side, Always. And that is the greatest comfort of all.