Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Seperation Anxiety

This weekend is the Women's Retreat. I haven't gone in 2 years (last year I was still trying to make it through the day on minimal sleep with a newborn). I am definitely looking forward to it-- time to myself, waking up when I am ready--not because of a crying baby, hanging out with friends, not cooking or planning meals, catching up on some reading, etc. But as with everything, there is a flip side. I feel slightly guilty about leaving Ed to shoulder the child care this weekend, although I know he will do a great job. I know I will miss E and she will miss me, but she will be fine, and can also understand where I am and that I will return.

So that leaves N. I feel a little sick when I think too hard about leaving him. I have never been apart from him for more than a few hours-- I think 6 or 7 at the most. But mainly, what makes me sad is that Saturday will be the first day he will not nurse (and Friday the last day). Weaning E at 14 months was very difficult (for me, not as much for her), and I said to myself that the next baby I would nurse for about 18 months. But after we get through this weekend, the hard part will be over, and I can't see myself picking it up again on Monday morning. A month ago he was nursing 4 times a day, and I have gotten it down to one, the first thing in the morning. When he wakes up, I go in and get him and then we snuggle up on the couch together with the blanket over us. I watch the morning news and sometimes E wakes up then and joins us under the blanket, cuddling close to both of us. It is a chance for all of us to wake up slowly, spend some quiet time together before the hustle and bustle of the day begins, and I will truly miss it. Because once he is weaned, he is going to need his breakfast immediately. I am going to have to get him up and place him directly in his high chair and get breakfast ready. It's hard to believe that the time has come to say good-bye to that part of his babyhood. We only have 2 sweet mornings left before the next stage...

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